When Dreams are Complicated

I am constantly fighting the extremely strong desire to hibernate/hide and isolate. At the same time I also have the desire to be LOUD, speak truth to ALL the things. 

It's really difficult because when I hide I get criticized for playing small and then when I get loud I get criticized for being self righteous. 

I have spent the last year really spending most of the time completely by myself. To see what I like, what I want, who I really am. This process has been difficult because I am realizing a dream that I have had my entire life has been achieved. 

I ALWAYS dreamt of doing whatever I want EVERYDAY. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to work, I just want to do it in my own way and however that looks. I don't exactly know what that looks like as that changes everyday.

Everything I ever did was to try to get to that point. The problem with a dream like that and living in the society we live in is they do not match each other. 

Our society tells us we need to make a living to afford the food in our bellies, the roof over our head, and decent healthcare. It's not a society constructed to take care of our basic needs without being a slave to the system. 

As a result I have chased SOOO many jobs and business ideas. I spent 23 years as an aircraft mechanic, I considered accepting a job as an auto mechanic once, applied to be a postal worker, was scheduled for the interview in a long process of applying for the United States Park Police, almost started 2 different franchise opportunities, started my own furniture restoration business, and now working on an artistic career. I am sure, actually I know there has been more. 

It wasn't until COVID happened that I said I was going to go all in and actually reduce my expenses and my life so that less was required of me. That's when I took on the challenge of building my own home and renovating an Airstream Argosy. If I had known at the time that I was moving to Maine, I probably would have built a tiny house. 

The Argosy has taught me so much in resilience, fortitude, and determination. Especially now that I live in it here in Maine. I have a greenhouse around her and have done some things to keep her warm so not to worry. 

The biggest lesson has been that no matter what comes my way, I will find a way through. I think that's the thing a lot of people miss, when it gets hard they either give up or follow the crowd. 

I followed the crowd for a very long time trying to figure out how I would fit in AND in my own way. It just is not the way I am wired. It's difficult to explain why. 

When I try to explain this to someone, they always tell me to try this or that. I have tried all of those things numerous times. 

It's really good now after this year spent mostly alone and after 5 years of basically not working for someone else that I am finally able to KNOW exactly what I want and who I am and what fits me and what doesn't. 

I want simple, less, freedom, genuine authenticity, and truth. 

There has been a ton of shit that hasn't worked out! But there has also been a ton of shit that has! I have to say even though I don't feel fully secure (in some part because of the state of our politics) I am happier than I have been my entire life. 

I have achieved my dream. I reduced everything to live in a tiny paid off place. The only thing I owe money to is a car loan. 

I live as small as I possibly can and spend as little as I possibly can. 

Yes, in some ways it's a rebellion against EVERYTHING because everything is so messed up and wrong. 

After all of the pondering and questioning what I want, here I am someplace between hiding and being LOUD. A place I am still navigating as the path forward is really unclear for me. Sometimes the achievement of a dream is complicated. 

Lots of Love

Katie

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